no more.

Crying because I don't know what to do anymore.

God, please help me get through this.
I thought I'm over it but apparently it continues to come back and haunt me.
I don't love him.
I know I don't.
But why am I still crying?

Coming back here just brings back so much memories.
I just don't know how to comprehend neither do I know how to handle them.
It's hard to explain cause I doubt if anyone would actually understand.
I am over him yet all these memories still haunt me.

My phone keeps ringing off the hook because Zuhair still hasn't given up.
I'm not even half way done with my studies yet.
Math is such a killer.
And I just feel this intense pain in my heart.

Maybe this is why God sent me all the way to KL.
Away from all these pain that's been haunting me for so many years.
From all my nightmares.
To start a brand new life.

I've always told myself that when I come back to Kuching,
I would be a brand new woman.
One who is strong and determined.
One who is able to stand up on her own two feet and support herself without anyone's help other than God.
Why am I in such a condition now?
So fragile, so crumpled up inside.
I am nothing but dust.
Worthless and unwanted.

Maybe it is my fault after all,
for bringing all these pain into my own life.
Maybe I should have opened my eyes,
and see through everything.
All the lies; the camouflages.
I should have.
But I didn't.

I am on a journey.
A brand new journey to find myself, amongst these mess that I have created.
You can call me a bitch, a whore, whatever floats your boat.
I have reasons for my actions.
JUST LIKE HE HAD.
I am not accountable to you, or to anyone for that matter.
Only to myself, God and my other family members.
Who are you to judge me?
Who gave you the power to judge.
Unless God gave you an official letter stating that you are given the permission to JUDGE others,
DON'T.
Cause I'm not judging you either.
Stop staring at me with those eyes.
I wasn't the only one at fault.
Yes, I LOVED him.
And he broke everything we had.
He BROKE me.
Do you know my side of the story?
I know I may sound like some selfish bitch from his perspective.
BUT WHAT ABOUT FROM MINE?
Have you even heard MY side of the story?
Have you?
Do you know how badly HE hurt me?
How it feels like to be emotionally abused?
To be kicked in the gut?
To eat painkillers just to numb the pain he caused?
To be pushed down the stairs because you couldn't cook well?
To be manipulated until you lost sight of who you were?
DO YOU?
NO you don't.

I was faithful.
I was true.
I was honest and I actually TRIED.
I tried to keep things from falling apart.
I TRIED my very best to be the best for HIM.
I TRIED to be like that GIRL.
Did you know that?
NO.
He continuously talked about her when YOU guys weren't around.
He compared.
He COMPLAINED.
and I kept everything inside.
I hid everything from you.
WHY?
Because HE said that HE didn't want anyone to know.
HE said that people must think that we are PERFECTLY FINE.
and I was the coward who followed everything HE said because I had to be a good WIFE.
A WIFE!
Yet HE did not treat me like one.
For all the hurt that I endured,
for all the suffering that I went through for whole 8 months of our 'LITTLE THING',
DO YOU THINK I DESERVE YOUR DIRTY STARES?
Do you think I deserve to be treated like trash?

His sorry-s and pleas aren't going to bring me back to HIM.
I've had it with all these NONSENSE and I am moving on with my OWN life.
I have become stronger and I am learning to stand up on my own feet.
I have even met someone new!
This someone is ONE OF A KIND.
He appreciates me and actually LOVES me for who I am.
He does NOT compare me with His past girlfriends like your so-called FRIEND did.
He is HONEST and TRUE about everything.
He treats me well and keeps me safe.
He waits and NEVER grumbles.
He ASKS before he does anything and He takes things slow.
He is constantly there to remind me of God existence.
and most importantly, he is an answered prayer of mine.
A person that I have been praying for, for a very long time.
A person who genuinely cares and has the ability to brighten up my day.

To you, he may be just another man.
But to me, he is someone whom I can trust, one whom I can rely on.
Someone who is actually WORTH the extra mile.
Someone who loves me, too (:


♥.

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain

12:53 AM ·